Now, I understand that Shakespeare was appealing to snivelly audiences and nerdy theaterophiles when he wrote Romeo and Juliet, but I personally don’t like death in the entertainment industry. It is the one thing that is inescapable, sooner or later, and will manifest itself into reality more than once in our lifetimes. Why put it in a play? I don’t like the main characters of R&J dying so I’ll rewrite it.

Romeo hears the news that Juliet is dead. He defies the stars, et cetera…and goes to buy poison. Unfortunately the apothecary is closed because the Mr. Apothecary dude is out looking for herbs to make some medicine. Romeo tries to break into the shop but it is surrounded by a fence with sharp spikes. Romeo looks at his tights and thinks that breaking in might not be a good idea. He decides to kill himself with his sword instead. He packs up and heads over to Juliet’s grave. Along the way he sees an advertisement for Great Goat’s Milk – Now with 2X the Ice! He is thirsty so he buys himself an extra-large cup.

When Romeo gets there he meets Paris and the latter wants to duel him. Paris has had a few glasses of wine, however, so instead of charging Romeo he trips, hits his head on a gravestone and gets knocked out. Romeo shakes his head, then opens the Capulet tomb.

Romeo descends into the tomb and marvels at Juliet’s still-living appearance, kisses her, then prepares to die by her side….he raises his sword in a shaking hand. The iced goat’s milk, however, then finishes its journey through his body. Romeo does not want to perish in a pool of pee so he goes outside again to take a leak in the cemetery’s bushes. When he comes back Juliet is stirring on her resting place. Romeo thinks he is hallucinating but decides to watch Juliet for a little more. Then she says, “Romeo…art that thou?” and he finally sees that Juliet is not dead. He is overjoyed and they make out some more in the tomb. Then Juliet explains the Friar’s plan to Romeo. The couple decides to move back to Mantua and start a new life there.

Paris comes to and goes to see the Prince, telling him that Romeo is back in Verona. The Prince is angry and tracks Romeo and Juliet back to their new apartment. There the couple explain everything to the Prince.

The next day Romeo and Juliet go with the Prince to meet their families and explain the near-fatal situations caused by their feud. Capulet and Montague realize that they’ve been stuck-up trolls, so they shake hands and promise to be in peace. And life goes on for everybody.

Le end.